All the Single Ladies (Considering Law School)

05 Mar 2013 2 Comments

by Domestic Goddess, Esq. in 'Stories in Real Life' - with apoligies to Readers Digest, Other Tags: , , , ,

This one’s for all the Single Ladies – who are considering law school.

Once upon a time, when I started law school, I, too, was single.  (And childless!)  I had a couple of great single-lady room-mates, and did all those single-lady things – happy hours, concerts, arts events, late nights.  Don’t get me wrong – I wanted a partner, and I wanted kids.  I also wanted a career.

Starting law school as a single woman, I was confident that regardless of my personal life, I’d always have a fulfilling, intellectually demanding, well-paying career.  If I never met my Prince Charming, or kissed the right Frog, or [insert traditional gender-roll Fairy-Tale analogy here], I’d be able to afford to travel, attend concerts and arts events, and do all the other things that I enjoyed in my single life.

A few years later, I graduated from law school, took the bar exam, and – much to my own surprise – got married to the love of my life!  (‘Put a ring on it’, as Beyonce would say.)  Fast-forward nearly thirteen years . . . I’ve had a successful career, would tell my husband ‘I do’ again in a heart-beat, have three lovely, healthy daughters – - and still owe a bucket-full on my student loans.

No, I’m not a dead-beat.  I actually did make payments on my loans at the ten-year repayment rate for some time.  But, I also chose to take significant time off work to care for my young children.   I had to put my loans in deferment during that time.  No big deal, right?  Right, except that, time (and interest) keeps on slippin,’ slippin, slippin’ – on into the future.  OUCH.

So, single ladies, even you should factor children into your decision to take out student loans.

Before you sign on the dotted line to fund your law school education at your dream institution – think about your other options.  Were you offered a scholarship at a different school?  Can you get in-state tuition if you choose a school closer to home?  Can you cut your costs by living with friends – or, gasp! – at home with mom and dad?  Calculate the future amount of your monthly loan payment, and calculate the amount of interest that will accumulate per month of deferral.  Think about the cost of child-care, your rent/mortgage, insurance, car, clothes, food.  Think about how much time you think you’ll want to take off after your child is born – and keep in mind that you may change your mind about that one!  Don’t assume your future partner will earn enough to cover your expenses, his or her own student loans – and yours, too.

Am I bummed that I’m going to end up paying more in student loans than I otherwise expected?

Of course!

Am I sorry that I chose to take time off for my kids?

No way.  For me and my family, it’s been the right choice.  And there’s no price-tag anybody can put on that.

There’s something about Abby . . .

10 Jan 2013 2 Comments

by Domestic Goddess, Esq. in Article Review, Ponderings Tags: , , , , , ,

It’s not that I hate Abby Cadabby.  She just kind of – bugs me.

I know I’m venturing out onto thin ice here, being critical of a Muppet.  I love the Muppets.  As a kid, I watched Sesame Street daily (followed by Mr. Rogers Neighborhood and 3-2-1 Contact! with the Bloodhound Gang) while my Mom cooked dinner.  Every weekend, the whole family gathered ’round for the Muppet Show.  I saw all of the Muppet Movies in the theater.  My kids now love the Muppets.  Still, in spite of my overall love for the Muppets, there’s something about Abby . . .

Those of you who last watched Sesame Street prior to 2006 may not be familiar with her.  She was introduced with much fanfare that year.   You see, Abby is – wait for it – a GIRL Muppet.  Yes, a bona fide girl Muppet.  How do I know she’s a girl?  Well, she is purple, pink and sparkly, for one.  She also carries a sparkly magic wand topped with a pom-pon, and sports a silvery pair of wings.  She has a high-pitched squeaky voice, and bounces a lot.  Although she is a Fairy Godmother in training, she reminds me more of the quintessential blonde cheerleader.  Clearly, a GIRL.

It’s not that I worship Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor.  She’s just kind of – awesome.

I know I’m venturing out onto thin ice here with folks who see her as nothing more than another Latina who, but for winning the double affirmative-action lottery, should have been subjected to a life of cleaning hotels.  (Being born both a Peurto Rican and a woman – don’t some folks have all the luck?  Wink, wink.)

Those of you who first heard of Sonia Sotomayor at the time of her nomination to the US Supreme Court in 2009 may not be familiar with the incredible odds she had to overcome to get where she is today:  growing up in the projects;  being born to uneducated immigrant parents;  losing her dad at the tender age of nine.  She nonetheless graduated as valedictorian of her high-school class, graduated from Princeton and then Yale Law School, worked as a prosecutor, made partner in only four years at a firm where she focused on corporate litigation, and then was nominated as a Federal District Court judge by a Republican president.  Clearly, a smart, focused, hard-working woman.

Abby Cadabby and Sonia Sotomayor – weird combination, huh?  Well, imagine my surprise when they appeared together on Sesame Street!  It’s a short clip, where Justice Sotomayor talks to Abby about careers.  [View the clip here.]  It’s generally sweet and uplifting.   Justice Sotomayor is wearing her black robe with the white ruffle at the neck, and Abby is in her usual girly-girl attire.  When Abby tells the Justice that she wants to be a princess, the Justice kindly explains that while being a princess is certainly fun, it is not a career.  A career is something that you must work toward over a long period of time.  Justice Sotomayor explains that there are all sorts of careers – doctor, lawyers, teacher and scientist, for example.  Then, predictably, Abby decides she wants to be a Supreme Court Justice, just like Justice Sotomayor.

This lawyer-mom loved the clip, and its message to our daughters.  Initially.  The message to many girls, particularly those growing up in poverty, is a great one.  You can be more than a princess.  If you work hard, you can have a career.  Even you – a Latina from the projects – can become a Supreme Court Justice.

So what’s my issue?  The segment commits the all-too-common sin of omission.  Women of my generation (well, women from predominantly white, educated families) were the first girls to grow up with the expectation that we could become doctors, lawyers and engineers.  We were told we could be whatever we wanted to be.  So we did.  Then we had kids – and were blindsided.  Yes, being a woman was no longer an impediment to becoming whatever we wanted to be – as long as we wanted to be our careers.  Women were treated equally to men, as long as we became man-like in relation to our home-lives.  As soon as we showed signs of our female-ness – such as becoming mothers – all bets were off.

So while Justice Sotomayor tows the 1970s feminist line by telling Abby she could be whatever she wanted to be, the Justice forgot to mention what she isn’t – a mom.

I’m not trying to pick on Sotomayor, or denounce her for not being a mother.  I firmly believe that women can – and do – lead happy, fulfilling lives without becoming mothers.  For all I know, Justice Sotomayor wanted to be a mother, regrets not being a mother, but never found what she felt to be the right opportunity.  That is neither here, nor there.  What is of concern to me is the general lack of candor toward the tribunal – that tribunal being our daughters, who will one day judge whether we provided them with adequate preparation for the future.

In the 1970s, I believe the feminist movement thought that society would evolve to accommodate women’s needs as they entered previously male dominated careers.  Today, we know that hasn’t been the case – particularly for mother lawyers.  (I won’t bore you with studies and statistics.  They’re out there.)  Knowing what we do, we now have a responsibility toward the tribunal, as well -  to talk about barriers to mothers in the work-place, and to change those barriers where we are able.

What does all this mean for Justice Sotomayor and dear, saccharine sweet Abby?  I’m not exactly sure.  Abby is at the age where her Mommy is the most important person in her young life.  When she visits Sesame Street, she often calls, or is called by, her Mommy. Like most little girls, she assumes she’ll be a Mommy one day.  She wants to be a Mommy one day.  I can imagine the shock and confusion as she looks up and says, “Justice Sotomayor isn’t a Mommy?”  I can also imagine the resigned nature with which the Justice looks down, and says, “No, Abby, I am not.”  I long for the day when Abby asks, “Can I be a Supreme Court Justice and a Mommy?” and a Supreme Court Justice looks down with a smile and says, “Of course, Abby!”

Maybe I’ve lost some of my awe for Justice Sotomayor – it’s much easier to grow up in the projects, focus and school and career if you are not simultaneously pursuing motherhood.  And maybe, just maybe, my heart is beginning to soften toward Abby – that pink and purple, bouncing, sparkling, little bundle – of innocence and hope.

B.N.:  The fact that the two women appointed to serve on the U.S. Supreme Court prior to Sotomayor were mothers has not been lost on the author.  Sandra Day O’Connor ran a small law practice with a partner while her children were young, from 1957 – 1965.  Ruth Bader Ginsberg was in law school when her daughter was born, and spent her career prior to the Supreme Court as a law professor.  The most recently appointed woman Justice, Elana Kagan, is also childless.

Confused No More

27 Mar 2012 3 Comments

by Domestic Goddess, Esq. in Ponderings Tags: , , ,

I am confused no more.  Well, I’m still confused about many things, but one thing I’ve pondered for a long time has become crystal clear.

Why hasn’t more literature been written on this issue of work/life balance as it relates to mother lawyers?  At least fifty percent of current law-school classes are women, and it is likely that most of them are, or will become, mothers.  Sure, work-life balance columns are included in legal publications, and many bar associations have work-life balance committees.  Books have been written about women balancing careers and family – but few columns, books or articles focus specifically on mother lawyers. I have been asking myself, “Why not?”  And why don’t more mother-lawyers want to connect and discuss these issues, and come up with ways to improve the situation of mother lawyers – or, to steal the title of a book I reviewed – to find their own ‘Good Enough?’

Here’s my stab at the answer.  Mother lawyers just don’t have time.  (Profound, right?)

Mother-lawyers are so busy treading water, that if they stop for just a minute to write about or discuss the ways in which they find their balance (or not) they’re sure to sink.

And this, my friends, is why I have not been maintaining this blawg the way I originally planned.  Oh, sure, my mind has been filled with ideas for posts.  I read a short article, hear a snippet of something on the radio, and think – “Wow, I should look into that.”  Or, “That would be a great topic for a post.”  Or, “Maybe I should host a Twitter chat about that.”  But guess what?  I get busy, other more pressing things come up, kids get sick, and the thoughts never get translated into text for the blawg.

I wonder the same thing about why women lawyers don’t organize around some of the anti-woman rhetoric that we’re hearing in the political realm.  (Not to get too political, but find me a mother-lawyer who has never used birth control, and I’ll sell you a certain bridge at a very good price.)

We just don’t have time.  So, who will advocate for us?  Good question.  I sure wish I were less confused about that one.

Mother-Lawyer on the Home Front

23 Feb 2012 Leave a Comment

by Domestic Goddess, Esq. in Other Tags: , , ,

By now, you’ve noticed that most of this blawg is focused on the lawyer part of being a mother-lawyer.  We all know that when a mother-lawyer isn’t out there taking depositions, filing quarterly tax returns, writing briefs, appearing in court or drumming up new business, she’s likely focusing what time and energy she has left on matters of the domestic realm.  (Unless she’s fortunate enough to have a full-time nanny, full-time house-keeper, personal chef, full-time grounds-keeper . . . you get the picture.)

So how do we mother-lawyers keep the home-fires burning?

For me, the answer is (and has always been) – not very well.  Here’s the thing – I love a clean house.  Spotless.  But, I hate house-keeping.  No-one in my family likes house-keeping – and sadly for me, they don’t really care if the house is clean, much less spotless.  What to do?

Right now, a house-cleaner just isn’t in the budget.  (Probably isn’t in most of our budgets if we have small children in day-care or pre-school devouring huge chunks of our pay-checks, or if we’re taking a break from work to be home with the kiddos and only have one income and student loan payments.)  What may be in your budget, though – and was in ours – is a steam-mop.

I love my steam mop.  There, I said it.  I love it!!

You fill it up with tap water, plug it into the wall, and push it on hard-wood or tiled floors like an upright vacuum.  Push down on the handle, and steam comes out, directly onto the floor.  It dries almost immediately (no wet floors for kiddos to tromp or crawl through), and, basically sterilizes the floor without any chemicals or cleaners due to the high temperature of the steam.  No residue for crawling kiddos to get in their mouths, no bucket of cleaning product waiting to be tipped over, fallen into, or sampled for its delicate flavor.

So there you have it.  A nod to the Domestic Goddess hidden within every mother-lawyer.  Now, get out there and file that brief!  (And. if you have a minute, share your favorite tip for keeping up with the home-front.)

Tip #10: Stay Classy, Ladies

09 Feb 2012 3 Comments

by Domestic Goddess, Esq. in Moms in Solo Practice Tags: , , , , , ,

To end up the list of ten things lawyer moms should know before going solo, I can’t stress how important it is to stay classy.  (Shouldn’t men stay classy, too?  Well, yes, of course they should.  Need I remind you of the “He’s Tough” / “She’s A Bitch” dichotomy?  I didn’t think so.)

In my less-than-humble opinion, staying classy in light of the stresses, anxieties, double-standards and plain old discriminatory actions mother lawyers face is just as difficult as child-birth – only it lasts longer.  Nothing has made me want to scream, yell, tear my hair out or take a cue from my children and have a good old-fashioned fists-on-the-floor temper-tantrum than juggling a law career, child-birth, breast-feeding, and the subsequent care of very young children.

Still, when you’re solo, or thinking of going solo, staying classy in spite of these stressors is the only way your career will make it through the grinder mentioned above, and come out the other end resembling something of its former self.  In fact, if you work hard and stay classy, it may even look better than before.  When tempted to become a less-than-classy-lassie, just remember that when you’re solo, there’s no one to cover for you – or make rain for you.

What do I mean?  Well, for example:   When the attorney you work for tells you that s/he not willing to accommodate your need for a modified schedule, don’t go all ape-shit, screaming at her, calling him a male chauvinist pig, throwing things, bursting into tears, and threatening litigation.  Will you feel like doing all of these things?  Of course.  Would such behavior be justified?  Perhaps.  BUT – believe it or not, the attorney(s) you currently hate with a most bitter hate may actually refer work your way later – if you can keep it together now.

Instead of releasing your inner ape, take a break – get a glass of water, a cup of coffee – heck, have a smoke if you need it.  (Do avoid the booze – for now, anyhow.)  Then calmly thank (yes, you read that correctly – thank) the attorneys for considering your proposal.  Explain that, although you are very sorry (yes, you. are. sorry.), in order to do what’s best for you and your family you have decided that you’ll be leaving his/her firm in order to open your own practice and maintain a more flexible schedule.  Then thank the attorney again for the opportunies and skills you have gained by working with him/her.  Then, calmly, if possible – go home for the day.  (Once you’re home, feel free to have a temper tantrum or whip out the booze – assuming the kids are safe with someone else, of course.)

Wow!  What did you just do?  Perhaps the attorneys you met with are relieved you’re leaving.  But perhaps, just perhaps – they are majorly impressed with your lawyering skills.  You kept your cool in very tense circumstances.  You acted in a very professional manner.  You were a zealous advocate for yourself, and you just told them that you are becoming their competition!  Best of all, not a one of them can find any fault with your behavior.  They can’t write you off as ‘crazy,’ as ‘hormonal,’ or as a ‘bitch.’  And maybe – just maybe – they are second-guessing their decision.  Since you’re not a crazy, hormonal, bitch, since you keep your cool under pressure, because you’re a zealous advocate, and perhaps to assuage their own guilt, they may one day offer the olive-branch of a referral when they are conflicted out of a future matter.

And that’s why solo practice lawyers need to stay classy more than anybody else out there.  You never know where the next referral will come from, and you never know what slight will cause someone to prevent work from coming your way.  Your next meal ticket depends on more work sent your way by people who like and respect you.  No matter how good your legal skills are, if people don’t like you, they’re not going to want to send work your way.

So, ladies, keep it classy, and keep the work a-coming your way.

Good luck!  And if you’re ever up for a pep talk – or maybe a margarita – just let me know.

Essay on Life After the Law by Kelly Yandell

29 Jan 2012 Leave a Comment

by Domestic Goddess, Esq. in 'Stories in Real Life' - with apoligies to Readers Digest, Other, Ponderings Tags: , , ,

I ran across this essay by mother-lawyer Kelly Yandell via Twitter.  It’s a lovely, inspirational story of one woman’s life as a mother after the law.  Enjoy.

http://kellyyandell.tumblr.com/

Tip #9: Value Your Own Work

27 Jan 2012 Leave a Comment

by Domestic Goddess, Esq. in Moms in Solo Practice Tags: , , , ,

Although the topic is generally taboo,  advice from solo-moms inevitably turns to money – and our propensity as women and mothers to under-value our own work.

Every time I talk to a woman in solo practice about her advice to other solo women and moms, the conversation eventually turns to the fact that, in the beginning, she did not charge enough for her work. (So much for that stereotype – you know, the one about lawyers being money-grubbing scoundrels.)  Every woman I’ve talked to picked her practice area out of a genuine passion for the area, and started her own practice in order to have more control of her schedule.

Of course, they all wanted to make a living, too. Still, several moms mentioned to me their fear that clients would not be willing to pay ‘regular’ rates if the clients knew the lawyer worked at home, or part-time, or was in solo-practice because she wanted to spend time with her children.  This is where Tips #5 -8 come into play.  Remember, clients only know the image you project.  Generally, they don’t know where you work, they don’t know how many hours you work, and they don’t know if your baby is sleeping next to you in her pack-’n'-play while you draft a brief – or even if you’re breast-feeding while taking a phone call.  (Heck, that’s when the baby is quiet at least, right?)  What reason does the client have to expect to pay you less than any other lawyer?

It is true that one reason some clients prefer to work with lawyers in solo practice is because they generally charge less than the partner on the penthouse level of Biglaw.  But clients also know that solo lawyers don’t have the overhead of Biglaw.  (Believe it or not, smart clients also know that marble counter-tops, flat-screen TVs streaming CNN in every waiting room, and bottled water emblazoned with the firm logo do not automatically increase the quality of an attorney’s work.  Really!)  Still, you can charge significantly less than Biglaw, and still charge enough to show that you value your own work – and pay your bills.

 

 

Freebie Tip – Read Carolyn Elefant’s Blog Post – There’s Nothing Wrong with Trying & Failing

20 Jan 2012 Leave a Comment

by Domestic Goddess, Esq. in Other

I wish I had thought of this tip myself, but I didn’t.  Instead, I’m going to recommend Carolyn Elefant’s post from My Shingle:   There is Nothing Wrong With Trying, Failing and Being Honest About It.  While the story she relates isn’t directly related to solo moms, I think you’ll make the connection.  A great reminder to accept a mistake, learn from it, and move on.

http://myshingle.com/2012/01/articles/myshingle-solo/there-is-nothing-wrong-with-trying-failing-and-being-honest-about-it/

Tip #8 – Don’t Deceive Yourself (or Your Clients)

19 Jan 2012 Leave a Comment

by Domestic Goddess, Esq. in Other

In case my last several Tips sound as if I’m prompting solo moms to deceive their clients into believing they are something that they’re not, let me explain.  What I’m really trying to do is prevent solo moms from thinking that they are something other than what they actually are – competent, highly trained professionals, who happen to have children.

We read time after time that women aren’t as good as men when it comes to negotiating salaries;  asking for raises;  promoting themselves in general.  And in my opinion, moms (in general) are even worse at this than other women.  And it’s easy to see why – who feels professional and competent when she is sleep deprived and covered in slobber, spit-up, mashed peas – - or worse?  (I’ll never forget those freshly dry-cleaned pants that were immediately peed upon.)

Sure, taking phone calls from the Ant Hill (see Tip #5), having erratic office hours (see Tip #6), or passing on a client meeting because your baby sitter isn’t available that day (See Tip #7) may feel unprofessional.  Still, these circumstances alone do not make a mother-lawyer or her work-product unprofessional.  The tips on how to handle clients in these types of situations are simply reminders to project the smart and competent professional that still exists under the layers of food detritus, spilled paint, uncombed hair and wrinkled clothes.

Now, there is a fine line between projecting competence and professionalism, and leading a client to believe that you are something more than a solo-practitioner.  Making promises to do work for a client that will actually require the assistance of several paralegals working full-time for a month, when you only have yourself and 20 free hours per week is not a good idea.  Calling your firm “Mother-Lawyer & Associates” when you’re not bringing in enough money to pay for office space, much less a human associate is probably misleading (I think there may even be an Ethics Board decision on that one).  Still, never believe that just because you are a sole practitioner, and just because you have children means that you can’t net big clients or that you can’t take on interesting, challenging work.  Because it’s just not true.

In fact, some things I perceived as negative were actually embraced by potential clients.  Without an associate, paralegal or support staff, I couldn’t compete against a partner at a big law firm for business, right?  Wrong!   Some companies like knowing that the person they talk to on the phone – you – is the same person who is doing the actual work on the case.  They like the fact that you answer your own phone.  They like the fact that you are flexible (often by necessity) and can meet on evenings or weekends.  One client was amazed that I met with him for a free consultation in his own office.  I’m convinced that it was a major factor in winning the account.  (What he didn’t know was that I wasn’t fully moved into my office, and that I didn’t want him to see the mess or the pack-’n'-play in the corner!)

So, I guess what I’m really trying to say is trust yourself, be a zealous advocate on your own behalf, and don’t trick yourself into believing that you’re just a little lawyer mom who can’t provide the services clients need.

Tip #7: Treat Family Obligations Like Any Other Appointment or Deadline

12 Jan 2012 Leave a Comment

by Domestic Goddess, Esq. in Moms in Solo Practice Tags: , , , ,

“I’m sorry, Tuesday won’t work for me – I have a conflict that morning.” 

I can’t even count the number of times I used that line.  It wasn’t a lie.  If the client assumed my ‘conflict’ was a meeting with another client, or a court appearance or a filing deadline, so be it.  The reality was that the conflict was child care.  My baby-sitter was only available on Mondays and Wednesdays. 

Just as you wouldn’t tell a client or potential client the details of other scheduled meeting conflicts, or the identities of participants in court hearings, depositions, or client meetings, they don’t need to know the details of or particiants  in ‘meetings’ scheduled with your children.  If Tuesday is your at-home day, take those phone calls if you can (or return them as soon as possible) but tell the client you’ll need to schedule another time to talk.  It’s none of their business why   – just tell them that you aren’t available to talk right now, or that you have a ‘conflict.’ 

If they assume that you are in high demand with a very tight schedule, so be it.  That will be true soon enough.  And when your babies head off to school, you might even miss those little ‘conflicts’ now and again.

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